Frequently Asked Questions

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Our Stories

Our Research

At FTL we are conducting our own ongoing research into the experiences of parents of sons and daughters who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or trans (LGBT). Participants complete questionnaires, with results shown below. In most cases, pseudonyms are used.

 

Those who wish to make use of this data for academic purposes are welcome, but should reference the website www.familiestogetherlondon.com with the date last viewed. 

Reactions and feelings

Bianca and Jon have one daughter of 21 who came out 5 years ago when she was 16. They were: ‘…a bit surprised, as she is very girly, but not shocked. We were worried that other people and her friends might react in a negative way and felt very protective of her. We were very pleased that she was able to confide in us, although she was worried how we might react’. Now, what they wish for their daughter is: ‘Just the normal things. We hope she does well at school and is happy. We don’t worry about how most other people will react, as everyone has been positive so far. I think it brought us even closer together as she was happy that coming out to us had been such a positive experience.’

Marcia has two children, a daughter and a younger gay son of 23 who first came out when he was 12. She felt: ‘Surprised. I had had no indications before then’.  Now she feels: ‘Totally accepting – I can’t imagine him being anything else. He knew he could talk to me about things and knew he could trust me, but, to be honest, it was always like that.’

Rosie has two gay sons, a 22 year old who came out at 19 and a 17 year old who came out when he was 13. Rosie thought it was possible that her sons were gay since they were 2 or 3 years old. She felt: ‘Relief to know for sure. The question mark was no longer hanging over me. That was when I joined FTL as part of becoming active in gay rights. At first, I tried hard to get the boys to talk about being gay, but they both seem completely comfortable with it and don’t see any need to discuss it much’.

Claire has two gay daughters, a 23 year old who came out at 15 and a 21 year old who came out at 19. Claire had been aware of signs that her elder daughter might be gay - such as copies of Diva magazine in her room – so, when her elder daughter came out, she felt: ‘… resigned. More worried about her heartache’.  However, her younger daughter coming out was: ‘…a totally different experience. Claire felt: ‘Devastated. I had no idea. I felt bereaved.’  Two years on, Claire says: ‘I have to a large extent come to terms with my daughters’ sexuality thanks to mature conversations with them, researching the subject and the support of FTL. Because they are comfortable being gay they helped me come to terms with it. That said, the first weeks after my youngest told me were hard for us both.’

Maya is a single black parent of a son now aged 16 who came out at 14. When her son told her, she felt: ‘Devastated and heartbroken. I felt as if my son had been taken away. I felt ashamed, disappointed and fearful. Two years later, the feeling of devastation has subsided. The disappointment I feel is still present. I am fearful for his safety and being rejected by family and friends. I have become more compassionate towards him and have tried to be more understanding, but, at the same time, became more suspicious of him, ie his whereabouts, his dress sense, friends, etc. A part of me felt angry towards him but I tried my best to hide it. My dream had always been to see my son go to school, university, get married and have kids. My dreams then shattered completely overnight. Having a son so ‘different’ from everyone else’s is not something I ever planned for.’

Mercedes has one son of 22 who came out to his parents at 17. She suspected he might be gay from his fourth birthday onwards. ‘I was sad and felt a sense of loss and bereavement. I was also anxious for his safety and was worried about how he would be feeling – being gay in a world that vilifies people like him. I know how the majority of people view same-sex relationships. I was worried about the reaction of his peers and how he would cope at school if they thought my son was gay. I worried for his safety when he travelled to and from school or anywhere else. I was worried about him hearing negative comments about gay people from family and friends. My mother, all my siblings and their children’s rejection of my son has exacerbated my isolation.

And people within my own family – like my mother and siblings – think it’s a ‘sinful lifestyle choice’. I was worried about my son’s rejection by peers, friends, relatives.

Gabrielle and Lawrence have four children, their gay son the eldest. He came out at 35 in a letter and is now 38.Gabrielle felt: ‘Very amazed not to have ever guessed. And dumbfounded, being a Christian and biblically taught about homosexuality’. This was 3 or 4 years ago. Gabrielle now says: ‘I accept my son as gay but he has partially come out, which is a bit in a ‘no man’s land’. It still feels very sore. Initially my son was exceedingly angry with me because of the ‘evangelical religious’ background and his intense suspicion of the hypocrite rejection. He has now settled because he is very kind. I suspect he remains suspicious and does not really trust me.’

Lesley has identical twin sons of 28. One is gay and came out at the age of 23. Lesley felt: ‘Devastated, heartbroken and extremely sad that he had not been able to tell us before. I could not imagine the anguish such a revelation had caused him and how lonely his journey must have been. I felt a failure as a mother as I had not picked up on the fact that he was gay. I felt at a complete loss - how to help him and how to come to terms with the loss of my hopes and dreams including having a daughter-in-law and possible grandchildren’.  Five years on, Lesley says: ‘I know I was in denial for many months. To a certain extent I feel much better now, as he is so much happier and I have had the support of the group so have been able to share my feelings.  In my heart I don’t think I will ever accept it completely. I am very proud of my son but not proud that he is gay. Gay Pride has done a lot for changing the law but I feel it has antagonised many people. They associate all gays with extreme behaviour (including sexual) and this can foster homophobia. There is still homophobia in the workplace especially in certain industries and this worries me’.

Green Pepper and Silver Fox have a gay son of 19 and a younger daughter. They realised their son might be gay when he was 18. Green Pepper says: ‘I could not believe it – why us? We felt disappointment, isolation (we don’t know anyone with a gay child), worry for him, ashamed because people may blame our upbringing of him, rightly or wrongly. We felt people might laugh at us or disapprove. I felt guilt - maybe he did not have enough male interaction - maybe I was too involved. Life is hard, but even harder for him, I feel. I wish he didn’t have to cope with this. He may lose his straight male friends. He will be subject to loneliness, vulnerable to bullying’. Now Green Pepper and Silver Fox feel slightly less isolated due to meeting other parents at FTL. Silver Fox says: ‘There is no change, but we have accepted it more. Talking to the FTL group helped’.

Toni has four children. Her third child, a son, is gay. He is now 30 years old and came out at the age of 18: ‘I was really shocked and devastated that my wonderful son was gay. I thought he was just going through a phase. Because of my background and culture I could not believe that I would have a gay son. That was twelve years ago. Since then my feelings have changed because I love him for who he is but I have not given up hope that he will change. Meeting other parents has helped me realise I am not the only one. It didn’t change our relationship – if anything we are closer and I love him more. Without my love he was lost.’

Eliza and Tom have two daughters and a son, their gay son the middle child who came out when he was 19. He is now 43. Eliza and Tom’s son came out in the 1980s, when AIDs was at its height. Eliza’s job involved working with men who were dying of AIDs, so, for them, a son coming out was very traumatic. Eliza says: ‘I was worried that he would become ill and die young before he had achieved anything or made a contribution to society’. Twenty-five years on, Eliza feels far more positive: ‘I am no longer anxious. I gain a lot of support from him. He is a good listener. I only feel sad that he has had more difficulty in his choice of job/career. He has always worked in the ‘Pink’ sector where it would be essential to be gay – and he might have preferred not to specialise so young. He might have studied law and had a legal career’.

Finding out

In most cases, parents found out about their child’s sexuality when their son or daughter told them. Bianca and Jon’s daughter told both her parents. Maya’s son told her. Eliza and Tom’s son told Eliza when he was 19, at the end of his first year at university. Claire’s younger daughter came out to her and her husband: ‘…over a meal in a public place’. Lesley’s son: ‘Told us he thought he might be gay – at midnight at a party when he had been drinking a lot.

Mercedes’ son told both his parents: ‘When he was around 14 years old, he withdrew and did not want to socialise with his peers. He spent a lot of time alone and on the computer, when he was previously a gregarious boy. I also noticed some things he was writing to a couple of friends which suggested a realisation of who he was and also a sadness/ despair about this. A friend advised him to speak to the Samaritans. He was very reluctant to speak with me or his father at this time’. 

Toni noticed that her son was withdrawn and quiet, and realised that something was wrong: ‘Then he confessed to me that he was gay. I was worried because he was previously an outgoing child’.

In three cases, finding out was precipitated by an event. For Marcia, it was: ‘…finding a gay magazine under the bed, bringing it to his attention and then discussing things.’  Claire’s elder daughter: ‘…fell in love and, after a relationship of four months, was dumped. She came to me for solace’. Gabrielle tells us: ‘My son looked very depressed. I gained his confidence by convincing him to speak to me. A week later he wrote us a letter to tell us he was gay’.

Rosie had always thought that it was a possibility that her two sons might be gay. They did not come out, as such. She asked her older son if he was gay when he was 19, already certain that he was. Her younger son was dropping hints about his sexuality at the age of 13, so she asked him as well. 'Asking them was more of a formality, but a necessary one. I really did need to know for sure. There’s nothing wrong with just asking – but you have to be prepared for the answer.’

Green Pepper and Silver Fox’s son has not yet told his parents of his sexuality. They realised that he might be gay because: ‘…he left men’s magazines around in his bedroom and left a history of men’s sites on the computer’.  Green Pepper says: ‘…He left leaflets on his bed about gay issues which he picked up in Fresher’s week at Uni. His Facebook page/profile said: ‘…In a relationship with –‘ (his partner’s name). He now shares a one-bedroomed flat with his friend’. Despite this, Silver Fox says: ‘He has never come out to us, or any of our family as far as we know’.  Green Pepper says: ‘Our son has never openly spoken to us about this – no ‘coming out’ as such – I’ve tried to make openings in conversation but he doesn’t follow up. I don’t insist. I don’t know if he’d want any family member to know or not. I felt it should be his choice to tell others or not, unless he asked me to, which he hasn’t. I wish he would confide in me so I could be more supportive’.

Other family members

Coming out to other family members is often a process that involves parents, after discussion. Some parents leave it to the discretion of their son or daughter. Gabrielle says: ‘We have embraced it fully but he has not told the French family nor the Jewish family nor his youngest sibling’.

Some families have been totally open about a ‘coming out’ to relatives. Marcia says: ‘Everybody knows. There has been no backlash that I know of’. Claire says: ‘We have told everyone in the UK. We were more hesitant about relatives in South Africa, but they were fine, too’. Eliza and Tom, whose son came out 25 years ago, say: ‘It has been such a long and gradual process of coming out and, as we were accepting of him as he is and because he can be very charming and attentive, this has not been a problem. When family members, on rare occasions, have said homophobic things – we have just thought it amusing afterwards. I try and say when older relatives make inappropriate comments that: “Nowadays that is not acceptable”.’

Several parents have not told all family members. Sometimes there is a particular worry that older relatives might react badly and there is clearly some careful thought given to who should know and when. There is also a concern to protect sons or daughters from negative attitudes. Bianca and Jon explain: ‘We haven’t told her grandfather because he might say inappropriate things that would upset our daughter and spoil their relationship.’ 

Rosie’s reasoning is: ‘The boys are still young and neither is in a relationship. We decided to tell those family members who were most likely to be informed about the issues and supportive to the boys.  There are still many relatives we haven’t told - there isn’t any reason to at the moment. Our younger son, although out to all his friends, is still at school and has anxieties about it being generally known.’

Green Pepper’s story is: ‘Our daughter seems to accept it, but has little contact with him since he left home to live at university.  I could not tell any family members. I don’t have many relatives but my elderly frail mother would find out and be upset and angry. She is Irish Catholic and holds very old-fashioned views on sexuality in general. I would not dare risk her finding out. She lives 9,000 miles away so it’s not a day-to-day issue, but she has always been very critical of me and would probably say hurtful things to me, and, even worse, to my son’.

Merecedes’ family has been similarly unsupportive: ‘I am extremely saddened by my mother’s ,siblings and their children’s response to the news that my son is gay. Their condemnation, judgement and rejection has caused intense pain. I remain estranged from my mother and siblings. They have apportioned blame to me for supporting my son. I am now ostracised by my mother, my siblings and their families.’

Toni says: 'My close family have found it hard to accept, especially at first. There are definitely some friends and family I would not tell. The good thing is that he is a wonderful son.'

Silver Fox points out that there are significant costs to family members not knowing, especially as our sons and daughters get older. He says: ‘If friends or family do not know, you can never have a “normal” conversation about what your son or daughter is doing, if asked. For other people, it’s: ‘Yes he is coming over with his girlfriend to stay; we are off to see him and his wife and children for the weekend; we are going out with him and his wife for a meal – would you like to come?’

Of course, parents are not always the first to know. Lesley tells us: ‘His (twin) brother knew before us and was affected badly at first - this made life very difficult as the family was falling apart.  Now they are the best of friends and his brother is really supportive. If the situation arises, I have no problem telling people now.’

Helps and hindrances

Parents who have had no difficulties in accepting their son or daughter’s sexuality cite a number of helping factors. For Marcia it is her attitude to life: ‘I am very open-minded about most things in life and I suppose this fell in to that category – open-mindedness.’  Eliza and Tom feel that: ‘Having a good, open relationship with him’ has helped. Bianca and Jon say: ‘We have gay friends and have never thought that being gay was wrong in any way’. What helped Rosie was: ‘Being involved in gay rights before I even had any children, which made me very aware of the issues for LGBT people.’

The above parents who have had no difficulties in accepting their child’s sexuality are all white and, with the exception of Eliza and Tom, describe themselves as atheists, or having no religion. Bianca, Jon and Rosie cite ‘having gay friends’ as something that makes having an LGBT child seem as nothing out of the ordinary. Green Pepper, who is finding it harder to accept, makes the point that she and Silver Fox: ‘…don’t know anyone with a gay child’.

It may also be the case that having a gay son or lesbian daughter is easier to adjust to if they come out when they are younger. Rosie was aware of the possibility since her sons were 2 or 3 and they both came out at 19 and 13. Marcia’s son came out at 12. It is possible that parents who are prepared from early on have time to adjust and never indulge in fantasies about a heterosexual future for their children. Parents like this may be less likely to seek support. Parents whose sons or daughters were older when they came out may be more settled in their assumptions and are often appalled that they did not know sooner. Gabrielle, whose son came out at 35, refers to: ‘…my son who has suffered so much’. Lesley, whose son came out at 25, says: ‘I could not imagine the anguish such a revelation had caused him and how lonely his journey must have been’.

Some parents recognize how their backgrounds have shaped their views. Lesley says: ‘It’s been hard to accept because of my own conservative up-bringing, my naivety when growing up and my desire to have a “perfect family” - in my mind “normal” children who grow up to get married and hopefully have children of their own.’ Rosie, on the other hand, remembers: ‘… my mother explaining it to me in the early 1960’s, saying that it was bad to criminalise homosexuality’.

People of faith sometimes find it much harder to accept their son or daughter’s sexuality. For Gabrielle: ‘The religion was hard. For him, too. To this day, if God is God, and His creation is perfect, why would He create confused sexual identity which would give so much pain? (This was the point of disagreement initially). Yet I believe from the depth of my heart that we are all created in His image. Hence it would be despicable to judge – furthermore my son is exceptional and a person I respect totally.’ Claire says: ‘I am a member of the liberal wing of the Church of England. However, many people in the church generally have hurtful views.’

Some parents can give up practicing their faith altogether because of the conflict between the demands of their religion and their resolve to support their son or daughter. Toni is member of the Church of England: ‘It is impossible for me to join the Pentecostal Church because my son is gay. So it is better that I am part of the Church of England’. Eliza, says: ‘Over the years I have met and known many gay clergy so I understand and know more about the theology of homosexuality.’  Many parents who are people of faith often find resolution through studying alternative perspectives within their own religion, and use their knowledge to make the case for accepting different sexuality.

‘One of the proudest moment of my life was when my son said to me, ‘I had the easiest coming out of everyone I know’. Having been brought up at an all-male boarding school, I had fallen really in love with a boy. He is now a great friend of all the family and we see him together with his female partner. I am of a largely tolerant nature, but I get angry with parents who find their relationship bedeviled by their child’s sexuality. After all, when St John was dying at the (in those days) incredible age of 90, his followers asked what they should do. He replied: ‘My children, love one another’. They said: ‘Is that all you want of us?’ He replied: ‘It is enough’. Or, as the Beatles put it: ‘All you need is love.’ (Tom)

Issues for Black Families

Culture is a big factor in how well parents cope with a child coming out. Parents from black or Asian backgrounds may suffer particular problems, partly because they may have learned through their own upbringing that homosexuality is wrong. In addition, homosexuality is more likely to be hidden in black and Asian families, so many parents are isolated along with their children and get no support from close family.

Maya says: ‘My West Indian heritage is unfortunately very homophobic. I felt my son and I would be rejected and hated by family and friends…I only ever discussed it once with my family and it has never been mentioned since as it was passed off as a ‘phase’. This has made it really hard for me as I have no support at all. I wouldn’t tell my brother as he is a traditional West Indian man with strong beliefs. Being a single black mother has made me question/blame myself a lot since finding out about my son. For a long time I told myself that, had he had a strong black male in his life as a role model then he wouldn’t be gay. A part of me still thinks that. Although my son appears to be very comfortable with his sexuality, I’ve not been able to share this ‘secret’ with anyone outside the family for fear of their reaction. Just today I’ve read in the newspaper that a man in Jamaica has been stabbed to death because of his sexuality. I think I will always be living in fear for my son’s safety. The black community is hugely homophobic and sees homosexuality as a Western disease. It is seen as choice made by the individual and therefore something unclean and dirty which should be avoided.’

Mercedes: ‘I was brought up in a religion – fundamentalist Christian, and community – Caribbean that - hold extreme negative views towards LGBT people. Leaving the Caribbean and meeting LGBT people through work in the UK has challenged my early views and has helped my understanding’.

Toni says: ‘It would be harder to accept if we were living in Jamaica. It is not so hard in the UK’.

Early Years

Some parents report that their son or daughter had problems at school. Eliza and Tom say that their son was: ‘…unhappy and bullied at secondary school up to the 6^th Form because he was clever and middle class’. Rosie’s younger son found it hard to make friends in the first year of secondary school. Rosie’s elder son was: ‘…a shy boy who found it hard to make friends after we moved house. He was bullied for being gay from the age of 11. Then, as a teenager, he became increasingly anxious and was seriously underweight, perhaps because of the bullying, I don’t know. He was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at the age of 19 and still takes medication.’

Green Pepper and Silver Fox describe their son as: ‘Very quiet, often preferring adult company, even as a toddler. When he did play and make friends they were often ‘loner’ children, often from a different home background’. He showed a lack of self-confidence and some communication difficulties. As he grew up, he showed no great interest in girls, and had no pictures of pop stars, etc. on the walls of his bedroom.

Gender Identity

Some young people who eventually come out as LGBT show gender identity issues at an early age - a girl being a bit of a ‘tomboy’ or a boy who likes to dress up as a girl. Most parents reported no gender identity issues with their young children. Rosie is the only parent who reports significant gender identity issues in her two sons. Both were more likely to have friends who were girls. (Rosie’s younger son only ever had one male friend as a child, and he has now come out as well). Both Rosie’s sons had what might be considered unusual interests for boys. She says: ‘Their difference was apparent in their play, the choices they made - even in the books they read and the pictures they drew. One loved ballet and the other, to this day, has an abiding interest in clothes and fashion.’

Maya says: ‘I had my suspicions when he was very young and one of his primary school teachers made reference to her own son being gay – hinting to me that my son was. It wasn’t until he was 14 years old that he came to me and told me. He has only ever had female friends from an early age – finding the company of other boys too boisterous and rough. I worried that he wasn’t boisterous enough and would find himself an easy target for bullies’.

Mercedes: ‘I can say with the benefit of hindsight that there were some early indicators. He was happy to play with girls at primary school, when many boys of that age shied away from this. He did not mind dressing up as a girl for a school play. When he was young (prepubescent) he copied girls; singing, dancing –putting on high heels – only a couple of occasions, however. He was not into the stereotypically male sports like football and cricket’.

Other parents reported less significant differences: ‘He was never interested in sports. He said he wasn’t a ‘boyish’ boy. He loved drama, ballet, had a lot of friends who were girls – but not exclusively’ (Eliza and Tom).

Problems in adulthood

Some parents report problems with their sons and daughters in their late teens or early adulthood. Rosie’s elder son, for example, has experienced mental health issues and is still on medication. Lesley’s son was drinking heavily at one time. Sadly LGBT young people are more likely than their straight counterparts to experience this type of problem (Department of Health, 2007).

Mercedes’ son experiences anger: ‘My son is very angry and remains very angry. He is particularly hostile towards my husband and I am very hurt by this. I feel that my son’s anger and hostility are misplaced and relate to feelings of self-worth and self-loathing. I look forward to a time when my son accepts himself, and, hopefully, with self-acceptance would come harmony for our broken relationship. His rejection and hostility have scarred us, and I look forward to a time when he realises that he should not continue the relentless abuse as it is very destructive. I feel a sense of hopelessness and despair about my son’s attitude towards my husband and me. I also understand that, faced with my family’s wholesale rejection of him, he would be feeling very bad. I have tried to protect him from some of my family’s venomous comments, but I am powerless to protect him from much of the negativity from them and also from the rest of society - here and in other parts of the world. However, my anguish as a mother remains the way my son treats me and my husband with contempt; when we have always been supportive and caring parents’. The relationship with my son has not changed dramatically. I now understand the source of his anger towards me instead of speculating about the reasons. He remains a very angry young man. I never had an issue with accepting my son’s sexual orientation as I had shed negative views about LGBT people long before my son was born.’

Parents with more than one LGBT son or daughter

Claire says: ‘I have no straight children. Finding out one child was gay was bearable. Finding out both were was very, very hard. My daughters refer to it as: ‘The second daughter thing’...The house is always full of lesbians! However, they both have straight friends so it’s full of them too… The fact that they are both gay means they are good supportive friends to each other. Without it they might not have been so close as they are very different.’ 

Rosie says: ‘When I was pregnant with my second child and found out that he would be a boy, I remember wondering how the older one would cope with a football-playing brother. Well, I needn’t have worried! They don’t talk about it, but perhaps they will be able to support one another later in life. There is sometimes conflict between straight and gay children and, of course, I have never experienced that. One very good thing is that I can devote myself to gay activism, knowing that I am helping both my children.’

So where are we now?

Those who are adjusting to the idea of a gay child can still find it hard to accept. Silver Fox and Green Pepper, who have known about their son for a year and a half, struggle to find a positive side, as does Maya. Others, like Bianca and Jon, take a practical point of view: ‘She is less likely to have an unwanted pregnancy.’

Some are still finding it hard, despite their love for their child. Gabrielle says: ‘Although my son is very masculine (hence my surprise), he is also very intuitive and sensitive. Just the way he is altogether is very special. I am searching to be fully embracing with no hidden thoughts. To be fully present in the love I give. Not because I am politically correct or fearful to be homophobic but because I recognize the beauty of my son who has suffered so much’. 

Some have no reservations: Bianca and Jon just say: ‘She is amazing’. Rosie says: ‘I’ve always got on with gay men and now I have two of my own. My sons are fabulous. I wouldn’t change a thing.’

Others, like Lesley, see positive attributes in LGBT people generally: ‘…many gays are the kindest and most thoughtful of people’. 

At one point it seemed as if Maya could see nothing positive at all having a gay son. However, later on, she says: ‘As hard as it has been coming to terms with my son’s sexuality, I am finding since coming to the group meetings that I am becoming stronger and less emotional about the situation. I wish I’d known about the group a long time ago. Ultimately in the future I would like to give my support to young black/ethnic minority young people who are not only coming to terms with their sexuality but also those who have not been fortunate enough to have understanding parents’.

For Mercedes one good thing about having a gay son is that it has meant: ‘Meeting parents via FTL who love and support their LGBT children unconditionally and are prepared to agitate/advocate for positive changes in legislation for the benefit of all LGBT people in different countries and the UK. FTL has been very helpful. I am still sad and angry about the hostile treatment and lack of basic human rights towards LGBT people in many countries.’ 

Those who are active in the LGBT world, either supporting parents or active in campaigning, see the benefits. Claire says: ‘Life will just be a bit more complicated. They and we will have to keep educating others for the rest of our lives.’  Marcia feels that: ‘It has given me a fuller understanding of the LGBT community. I feel more rounded.’  Rosie says: ‘Making things better for my children is something I feel passionate about. I want to change the world and that’s a very powerful feeling.’  For Eliza, the advantage is: ‘The people I have met and places I have been as a parent of a gay son’.

More stories

A father's story

Heartbroken! 

There wasn't a Damascus moment. It was more like osmosis - a drip feed of information about our daughter's lifestyle that led us to the conclusion that she was gay. She hadn't come out to us when we contacted FFLAG. When she did finally come out to us at 17, I didn't overreact but just told her how much I loved her. The Families Together London meetings had helped prepare me for this moment! I didn't show any other emotion but inside felt a deep sense of bereavement. A loss of my daughter who was still alive, who at the time showed little respect for us and was breaking my heart with each and every action she took. Through Families Together London meetings I have unburdened myself of all the grief. I understand far more and have learnt to accept that I have a different daughter to the one I once thought I had. Families Together London has liberated me and helped to mend my broken heart. Oh! And I have a much better relationship with her too now!

A mother's anguish 

I originate from the Caribbean where many people hold deeply religious beliefs which informs their views about homosexuality.

My Christian fundamentalist mother and my Presbyterian father brought me up. My father did not play an active role in my religious upbringing and my mother was the more dominant with the religious education of my siblings and myself. 

As a young girl growing up within a mainly Christian fundamentalist home, my early views about homosexuality was that it was 'sinful', the liberal traditions familiar in European liberal societies were non-existent in the Caribbean. During my teenage years, I remember the ridicule that gay men faced for daring to be 'out'. I did not hear much about lesbians until I came to the United Kingdom in 1975.

Since coming to the UK, I have worked and interacted with gay and lesbian people on a social and professional level and this has made me realise that we share many of the same goals and aspirations, the only difference being that gay and lesbian people are attracted to people of the same sex. Gay people are ridiculed because of this one difference.

About 2 years ago, my then 18-year-old son confided to me that he was gay. For a number of years I had considered the possibility that my son might be gay, but having it confirmed still left me with a sense of bereavement. I never imagined that having a gay son would bring up such strong feelings of powerlessness, sadness, loss, fear and loneliness in my husband and me. The questions that have run through my mind then (and now) were: What do we say to friends and relatives? Whom could we trust with such disclosure? Who would support our son and us? Who would be non-judgemental and the opposite and want to distance themselves when they knew? How best to support our son? I continued thinking that if the issue of disclosure presented so many problems to myself then what must it be like for our son?

When we first found out my husband and I only talked to each other, as we were unsure about whom we could trust and we were worried about the anticipated hostile reaction from others. We were subjected to years of extreme hostility and anger from our son and at times, it has been very difficult to support him in the face of unbridled aggression towards us. Our son talked about being 'full of rage'. We now know that he was having difficulty talking about his inner turmoil. 

We sought professional counselling as we were concerned about the irretrievable fragmentation of our family but we did not disclose to the counsellor that perhaps our son's hostility and anger might be related to his own difficulties in coming to terms with his sexuality. Despite the counselling, difficulties within the family continued with my son blaming my husband for his unrelenting hostile behaviour towards us and culminated in us asking our son to leave home following his disrespect, threatening behaviour and verbal abuse. 

I felt that I was giving unconditional love and in return only received anger, abuse, disrespect. At times the overwhelming anger paralysed us. My husband and I felt 'empty'. We often said to our son 'we want to help you with the difficult issues you have to face but please do not abuse us'.

Our son has recently moved out of our home to be closer to university, and we are in contact. However, the relationship remains a difficult one, which saddens us.

My husband found the FFLAG website and information and passed it on to me and I contacted Hatta from Families Together London who was extremely helpful. I felt such relief to be able to be honest with another parent like myself who empathised with me. Initially my husband and I did not speak to members of our families or friends. Our son was himself coming to terms with his sexuality and was angry with us as he was not ready to 'come out' to us or anyone else. We suspected that he might be gay and asked him, which forced the issue when he was not yet ready. 

I have spoken to Hatta many times and have found our chats very helpful. I was able to talk with her in a frank and open way. Hatta has visited my husband and me to offer support and she invited us to the Families Together London meetings. We have not attended any meetings yet but hope to go in December. Hatta has also introduced us to another mother who lives close by. I have met with this mother and found our meetings supportive. It was amazing to hear about the similarities our boys faced growing up and at school. I am grateful for the support from Families Together London. I was at the end of my tether and did not know whom to turn to. Since speaking to Hatta and to another mother, I feel able to share some of the issues that having a gay child have on a parent. I have recently also shared with one member of my family and a few friends who have also been supportive.

Despite all the anguish that I have experienced, I do not give up hope that someday my son would realise that he does not have to fight with his Dad and I anymore. We love him yet he continues to hurt us so much.

Jackie's story  

When we have children we know that things will happen along the way, as they grow up...

... which we possibly hadn't planned for like swimming with sharks, jumping from planes, living on the other side of the world but no doubt finding a partner along the way, setting up home and having a family - just like us! Well, the story I and many other parents have isn't quite as we might have predicted. 

When my son Rob was 12 he told me and then my husband that he thought he was gay. Obviously we were rather taken aback, especially as he was so young but we didn't flinch and said that children of his age, both girls and boys, were going through a topsy-turvy time with hormones flying in all directions and that this was called puberty. We told him not to worry, just put it on the back-burner and if he wanted to chat about how he felt he should talk to us. He settled back down to life at school (a boys only school), socialised very happily and it wasn't until he had done his GCSE's that he brought the subject up again. He was very relaxed about his sexuality and so were we. He went from aged 16 to Outzone, a wonderful youth group which met on Fridays, where he was able to mix freely with like-minded people. He never came out at school but it never appeared to be an issue anyway. He knew he could always talk to my husband and myself and also his older sister, as openly as he wanted. 

At 18 he went to Cambridge and has just finished his degree. He met his partner when he started at Cambridge and they have been together now for over 2½ years. 

What I want to say really is that things may not pan out just as one thinks they might but your son/daughter is still your son/daughter, whatever their sexual leanings might be. We have a wonderful son who through being gay has opened our eyes and the eyes of family and friends to the 'gay society'. What your children need is your support and understanding, whatever the situation, and they will hopefully go on to become rounded adults who in turn will be able to support the next generation and yes... there is no reason why they too can't become parents.

Brenda's story

Brenda Oakes is a founder member of FFLAG.

About three weeks before he was due to go to University in 1983, Mike dropped his bombshell and announced to Jim and me that he was gay.

It was quite a shock as we had never for one minute suspected that he might be, though looking back, had we known more about this issue, we might have guessed.

Jim and I were both upset and confused, though for Michael's sake, who was about to leave home for the first time, we tried to cover it up and look cheerful. I don't think it worked. We just didn't know anything about homosexuality except for the rather negative images that the media was giving out at that time, and of course we knew only too well of the prejudice and bigotry caused by prevalent religious ideas.

We were very frightened for Mike, and imagined he would have a terrible life, lonely, isolated and possibly attacked.

We knew it had taken a lot of courage to tell us, and there was no doubt that we would continue to love and support him, but we felt that it was hard enough for him to go away to university, and being gay seemed to us at the time like another cross to bear.

We did what most parents seem to do, and thought it must be our fault. We traced back through his childhood looking for clues but found none. I brought home books and we searched in vain for a cause, eventually realising that there wasn't one, and that he is simply as he is.

We went through a kind of bereavement process, partly as he was going so far away, and partly the feeling that he was now a stranger whom we did not understand. Slowly the realisation dawned that he hadn't changed at all, we simply knew him better, and it was us, the ancient parents, who were having to go through a metamorphosis. We examined everything we had ever been taught, much of it anti-gay, and most of it from religious ideas based on fear and ignorance. We recognised the enormous gap in our knowledge. For example, as a policeman, Jim had only seen gay people as criminals. None of what we knew in those early days was helping us, it just made us more confused, as we knew our son, and we knew him to be a kind, loving, honest, hardworking and intelligent young man.

Eventually I learned about a parents' group in Manchester, and things really began to look up. It was a wonderful opportunity to share all our concerns and our ignorance with other parents, and we were greatly helped by those who had been there before us.

We didn't tell the other children for almost two years as we weren't sure what Mike wanted us to do, and we didn't like to put pressure on him.

Eventually he told Jackie himself and she insisted on the other boys and their wives knowing as well. She was upset and felt that her family might become divided, so Mike gave us permission to tell them as he went to Berlin for his year abroad. Steve and Graham and their wives were surprised, but, as we hoped, totally supportive of their younger brother.

Mike enjoyed his time at Essex and made some good friends. Gradually, as we learned more, our fears for him disappeared and we were very proud of our gay son. It wasn't something he chose, but simply was, and he was coping admirably with his life.

Since retirement we have enjoyed lots of holidays, some abroad and some in the U.K. We have become interested in bird watching, but can't really be called 'twitchers' as we're just beginners, but we've joined the R.S.P.B. and try to visit the bird sanctuaries when we can, especially those in Norfolk, where we like to go, and we stay with Mike at his home in Norwich.

A parent's story 

The shock of hearing our son say he is gay is one we will always live with. Although I had my suspicions, until he put it into words, you hope it will just not be true. My husband had no idea and was utterly devastated, as too, was I. My son wanted this kept a secret for the moment so there was no one we could talk to and felt there was no way of sharing this sadness and our unhappiness, and being Jewish made it no easier. We adore our son and still do but we didn't know which way to turn for help.

We went through all the possible emotions you could think of and I even went to see a psychiatrist to see if that would help me over the depression I felt. I read in the paper an advertisement for a help group called FFLAG (Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). In desperation I 'phoned the number and without giving a name told a very nice man about our situation. When I mentioned I was Jewish, he gave me the number of the Support Group for Parents of Jewish Gays and Lesbians. Eventually I plucked up the courage to 'phone, all the time wondering what if I know the person on the other end? What if this person knows my son and tells someone?

I had no need to worry because everything I told the lady who spoke to me was in the strictest confidence. At that time, I didn't give my surname or my son's name but that wasn't a problem because she let me tell her what I wanted to, and when I felt ready to reveal more she was there to listen. She asked me if we would like to come to a meeting that took place every two months in different peoples homes, but at the time I wasn't up to that and my husband didn't want to go.

It took us eighteen months for us to be ready to go to a meeting and by then my son had told most of his close friends, though not his work colleagues, and we had told some of our family. They were very supportive but they couldn't really understand because they were not in the same situation.

When we went to our first meeting, of course, we were absolutely terrified - we didn't know what type of people would be there or, again, if we would know someone. We arrived and sat outside for ten minutes trying to pluck up the courage to go in. Eventually we did and we received a very warm welcome, it made us realise that we were not the only family in the world going through this, also it wouldn't have mattered if we would have known anyone (which we didn't) as everyone was in the same boat and had had the same experiences to lesser or greater degrees.

We went round the room and everyone there told their story. We thought we wouldn't say anything, which would have been fine too, but halfway through we found ourselves speaking about our experiences and we were relieved to find out that we could talk to people without being judged and who knew exactly what we were talking about. It was such a relief to be honest with a room full of people for the first time in a long while without having to make excuses about why our son wasn't going out with a nice girl.

We will go back to the meetings to join in again with other people like ourselves, ordinary families who just happen to have a gay child. I hope that we can also help others to see that there is help out there if you want it. Nothing can ever take the sadness away of not having grandchildren or not seeing our child get married, but we are learning slowly that there are worst things in life that can happen to you and we still have a son who we love and respect and always will.

That was quite a few years ago and now we have learnt to accept our son and love him for the wonderful human being he is. Now we just would like him to be happy with his life and find someone who he can share his life with.

Even more stories...