Open letter to Families Together London and KiS (Kairos in Soho) Group

I feel very reassured now that there exists an open and safe space for my family and friends where they can discuss their experience of having a lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, trans or queer (LGBTQ) person in their lives. Thinking of my own family and recently coming out to my Mother, just knowing that FTL exists takes a lot of the burden off me as I always feel that I should explain, rationalise or sometimes, even apologise for my sexuality in order to help friends and family feel more at ease. Sometimes, I sense a real tension between my own needs as an individual with my own sexuality and my desire to assist my family members with their need to deal with and come to terms with this ‘new’ information about me.

It’s not that I don’t want to or think I have no responsibility to help my family come to terms with my sexuality, far from it. It’s that I realise that there is always a barrier between us because people who love each other rarely want to hurt each other. I can see the restraint with which my Mother holds in her most negative feelings about my sexuality because she doesn’t want to hurt me but that only results in silence. Silence doesn’t help her to learn, to share, to realise she is not the only one. Silence doesn’t help us to develop the kind of honest relationship that I have dreamed of for so long.

So, I’m really happy, reassured and relieved to see in existence a space for those who are newly coming out as a friend or family member of an LGBTQ person and I recognise that this space has a parallel process and serves a similar function to the one that I attend as an LGBTQ person, that is, KiS Group.
 

As an LGBTQ person sitting in the open part of the FTL meeting, it struck me how much I have (necessarily) excluded my family from my life. In fact, it is only the process of coming out to my Mother that has, for the first time, helped me to feel like a whole and integrated person. It's not all plain sailing and it's early days for my Mother but at least I no longer feel that I have to self-censor what I speak to her about or tone down my sexuality to make it OK  for her. I can see that she too, gets a space where she can express her true emotions, both negative and positive, freely without self-censoring for fear of upsetting me. She gets to be in a space with like others, something she doesn't get in her everyday-to-day.
 
So sitting in that meeting surrounded by (I presume) heterosexual people prepared to discuss and question LGBTQ issues in a considered, honest, direct and caring way made me feel like I had finally found my elders and my family. It made me realise how fast I've had to grow up and how quickly I've had to become self-reliant and independent. This is of course, completely opposite to my parents' upbringing in an interdependent, collective environment where family is involved in everything.

I found myself relishing the positive space that is FTL and feeling taken care of. As an LGBTQ person, I've had to make my friends my family, lose some of my friends and family along the way and I've had to weigh up and exercise difficult decisions about who to come out to and be honest with, and who not to. I witnessed that this process is honestly reflected by FTL members who are negotiating LGBTQ issues with their community, their friends and their family members in a similar way to me.
 
It struck me then how brave FTL members are, given a situation that they did not ask for, perhaps never considered would be in their lives and yet they are taking it on, head on. At the meeting, I witnessed a teacher say that she tackles homophobia in the classroom, a disabled mother say that she's applied to be a trustee of an LGBTQ organisation, a parent ask, "What can I do for my son, who won't report an incident of hate crime?" and a man honestly question the use of changing language, “Why is it not OK to use the term 'homosexual'?”, “Why does the word 'gay' have different meanings in different times and different contexts?” and behind these queries, the implied question, “Well, which words is it OK for me to use?”

I was impressed by both the content and tone of these conversations partly because it is so very rare to hear them in everyday heterosexual communities. All this reminded me of the kind of conversations and discussions that have taken place at KiS meetings over the last 11 years. The FTL meeting made me feel at home but more than that, for the first time in years, I felt I could safely be a child in the company of adults.
 
It struck me then how powerful members of FTL can be, with one foot in heterosexual community and the other in LGBTQ communities. An LGBTQ positive statement made by a straight person to other straight people is like a black positive statement made by one white person to other white people; it's powerful, it carries more weight, it’s less likely to be dismissed, more likely to be taken to heart rather than paid lip-service to. After all, it's human nature to pay more heed to those who are more like us. I also recognise that FTL members are more likely to be aware of the true extent of homophobia in the general community than LGBTQ people who may be subjected to politically correct behaviour and smokescreen. So FTL members are in a position to influence a much a wider, broader section of society about LGBTQ issues.
 
At present, my Mother would be one of a number of black and minority ethnic (BME) FTL members. I'm very grateful to FTL for the help and assistance my Mother and I have received whilst I've been coming out to her, it's been invaluable. In fact, I may not have come out to my Mother if this group did not exist. FTL provided a Hindi audiotape re; LGBTQ issues produced by FFLAG, phone calls and e-mail support, one-to-one meeting with my Mother and sign-posting to a photo exhibition of BME LGBTQ people coming out by photographer, Sonalle.

With this kind of positive vibe, I am not surprised to hear that FTL is expanding and has just secured another venue so that meetings can be held twice a month instead of once a month. I sincerely hope and encourage other KiS members to invite their parents, relatives and friends to join FTL and similar organisations. Please also feel free to use this letter to pass on information about this group to others.
 
KiS is my family, it always will be and my Mother’s family will always be hers. However, being at the FTL meeting this March made me feel for the first time that my Mother can have family and community that includes all of me, openly and honestly. Thank you for this, FTL and thank you for allowing me to attend the open part of the meeting in March.