LGBT HistoryWould you like to know a bit more about LGBT history? View our subpage here. The parent movement - our storiesFFLAG (Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays) supported the development of local groups but each local group is a separate, independent organisation. Local groups provide opportunities for parents to meet and support one another, whilst FFLAG, as the national organisation, is concerned with policy. Many members of local groups are also members of FFLAG and represent FFLAG at conferences and other events. We are currently gathering stories from parents all over England and Wales so that we can build a history of the parent movement. Tribute to Joyce Layland by Frances NicollJoyce Layland sadly passed away on 3rd May 2006 Joyce was one of the founders of the Manchester Parents Group and worked hard to establish and maintain links with the LGB community in Manchester for many years. Joyce helped countless parents over the years and campaigned tireless for equality. Our condolences go to her family and friends.
I first met Joyce in February 1988, at a protest march in Manchester against the much despised Section 28 which the Conservative Government was then passing through Parliament. What stands out about that march was the moment when we passed the group of parents carrying placards of support and the extraordinary reaction of the people marching near us. They clapped, cheered and ran from the march to hug and kiss the stalwart band of mums and a dad. I little knew at the time that these people would become my dear colleagues and friends. Joyce was one of this group but her image was further etched on my mind when, later that same afternoon, she spoke from the rostrum to the rally in Albert square. I was recently talking to Brenda Oakes about this moment and she reminded me of what Joyce said, it was: “I am the proud mother of my gay son” The whole square had erupted with the cheers and applause of 20,000 people. In fact Brenda told me that at the time Joyce had felt angry that a normal comment from a parent should have had such an effect. It demonstrated the loneliness and fear of parental rejection that many gay, lesbian and bisexual people had. So Joyce, as a member of the inspirational Manchester Parents Group was already immersed in working against the inequality suffered by lesbian, gay and bisexual people. Joyce and Cath Hall organised the first Manchester Parents Group seminars for the several parent support groups around the country, and it was at one of these in 1989 when we first discussed the topic of an “umbrella organisation” for these groups. In January 1990 Joyce came up with the name “Family Pride” for our new “umbrella organisation” A steering committee was formed which set to work on the aims and formal structure in many meetings around the country. Joyce was the co-ordinator of Family Pride which metamorphosed into FFLAG in September 1991. Joyce stayed at the helm until October 1992. She was impatient as was I with some of the steering committee who thought her views were just too grandiose and her wishes for the launch of FFLAG and a video were really rather wild dreams. Of course Joyce was absolutely right and FFLAG has done so much more than Joyce had planned. Ill health forced her to pass on the baton to Brenda Oakes who carried it on with similar brilliance. Joyce was warm, brave, clever and politically sophisticated. She made a great contribution to the movement for equality for lesbian gay and bisexual people and her inspired leadership of FFLAG's beginning is remembered with love and gratitude.
When our son came out to us, I learned about a parents' group in Manchester, and things really started to look up. It was a wonderful opportunity to share all our concerns and our ignorance with other parents, and we were greatly helped by those who had been there before us.
After some time I was continuing to attend the parents' group, but by now was staying to help other newly-informed, confused and anxious parents. I had also become something of a campaigner and joined in a big march in Manchester against Clause 28 of the Local Government Act 1988.
At this time I found it very difficult to reconcile my churchgoing and vague Christian beliefs with my growing understanding of the terrible prejudice and bigotry with which many gay people are treated. I wrote an article for the church magazine (with the agreement of the vicar), telling honestly about our son and our experiences. As he had gone to the Sunday school, the people there knew Mike. I was hoping simply to help people I regarded as my friends to understand a rather complex and hidden subject. How naive I was! Not one person mentioned the article to me. The silence was deafening. I guess that told me what they thought and I severed all connection with the local church and eventually, religion of any description.
This treatment has been repeated many times since, as we members of the Manchester Parents Group do offer to give talks and presentations about our work to local groups, but wherever these are based on religious beliefs they do not want to know and apparently prefer ignorance. There have been one or two exceptions when we have been invited to talk about how this issue can affect families, but they are few and far between. Studying sociology for three years enabled me to see how much people's lives are dominated (and often ruined) by the power of large traditional institutions, the church being the worst offender.
When I also studied the research into young homosexuals I learned that one in four have attempted suicide, and I knew that I could not in any way condone what a lot of religious people believe and that I would have to join the fight to educate an ignorant society about lesbian, gay and bisexual people.
The Manchester Parents Group had been set up by three mums, Joyce, Cath and Joan, and they continued to run it, although Joyce was already struggling with multiple sclerosis. They had known of the existence of other groups (about six) and we had occasional get-togethers.
For many years there was talk of forming a national umbrella group, and eventually this was achieved. In 1992 we met up for a one-day seminar in Leicester and the name FFLAG was chosen (standing for Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). Joyce agreed to be National Co-ordinator.
Quarterly meetings were held in different parts of the country and a committee was formed of parents from each existing group. By July 1993 we had a constitution, so with the adoption of that, FFLAG now became official. There have been many ups and downs but by 1998 it had grown a lot with twelve groups running nationally and 41 parents acting as telephone contacts for newly informed and anxious parents.
Joyce's health was not good and she felt unable to continue as National Co-ordinator, so I took over the job later in 1993 and continued in the post for four years until August 1997.
FFLAG's official address was the Manchester Gay Centre, and they kindly allowed us to use their P.O. box number. It was part of my job to collect and answer all the mail that came to FFLAG, and as we became better known, that increased in volume. As I had major surgery in September 1993, Frances Nicol of the Leicester Parents shared the job with me.
Many of us went on radio and TV and we wrote articles and letters for the media. We marched in Lesbian and Gay Pride in London with our banners, and we held national conferences.
The first was in Leicester in 1993 called, "Invisible families" (as this was the International Year Of The Family), the second was in Manchester in 1995, which was called, "Invisible children - tolerance is not enough", and the third was held in Cambridge in 1997, entitled "Celebrate the difference". Parents had to become involved in fund raising for these projects and it was all jolly hard work, but successful and most rewarding.
The public view of homosexuality has changed and is continuing to change slowly. The media, at first partly responsible for a lot of misinformation and misunderstandings, now mostly play a part in improving the image, with gay people portrayed in soaps as just normal and ordinary members of the community, which of course is what they are. The parents in FFLAG feel that they too are helping the cause, partly by being 'out and proud'. The Cambridge group simply call themselves Cambridge & District Proud Parents.
It would be nice to think that one day we won't be needed any more but the time is not yet. We still get a great number of 'phone calls from parents who have just discovered that their child is gay or lesbian, and who need our help to sort out their confusion and anxiety.
At the 1997 AGM Pat Atthey from Newcastle agreed to take over as National Co-ordinator. Pat was working hard with her own parents' group, Parents Enquiry North East, which was growing fast. I remained on the committee and now felt free to think about our first training courses for the parents, so Cath Johnson and I set about organising, Cath finding speakers and me raising funding.
The first residential weekend took place at the GMB College in Manchester in February 1998 when 24 parents attended. It was a big success funding.
One of my early projects for FFLAG had been organising and editing a newsletter as we realised that many parents are unable or unwilling to attend group meetings and are very isolated, geographically as well as emotionally. To this day the newsletter continues.
Tribute to Brenda Oakes by Ingha RhodesMention Manchester Parents Group or FFLAG and immediately the name Brenda Oakes springs to mind. Brenda is a very remarkable woman, who was active in the Parents Movement for many years.
She has been part of Manchester Parents Group since it was set up in 1986 in response to the need, not only for a helpline, but also for a place where parents of lesbian and gay children could meet and support each other. She took over the role of coordinator when Joyce Layland became ill and unable to continue as leader and Cath Hall left to set up the Albert Kennedy Trust.
The group has grown steadily over the years, due to Brenda’s hard work and dedication. She has helped hundreds of parents on their own personal journey to greater understanding and acceptance of their child’s sexuality, and also supported many young gay people "coming out"
She also worked very closely with lesbian and gay organisations in Manchester and was well respected and loved by all
As more parents groups were formed around the country there was a need for a national umbrella organisation, and in 1993 Brenda helped to set up FFLAG (Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). She worked tirelessly for both MPG and FFLAG until her retirement in 2002.
As well as organising Manchester Parents Group, she was a FFLAG committee member, the national coordinator for many years, and editor of FFLAG’s Newsletter. She organised FFLAG training courses and conferences, and when FFLAG became a registered charity she was made a trustee.
Brenda has also worked hard in the field of education. She believes that the only way to eliminate prejudice, discrimination and homophobia is to educate people around the issues of homosexuality. She has given presentations to doctors, teachers, police, and church groups, made speeches and written letters. You name it and Brenda has done it. She certainly has been Out and Proud!
She has always been an ardent campaigner for gay rights. She fought vociferously for the repeal of section 28 and she mobilised parents from all over the UK to lobby the House of Lords about an equal age of consent. She even managed to organise a meeting with the infamous Baroness Young. She faced her on television and confronted her on the radio. Nothing daunted Brenda, and in 1999 she and Christine Holt (another Manchester Parent), won the award of Gay time TV campaigners of the year . Sadly (for us) Brenda decided to retire in 2002 to spend more time with her husband Jim and family who have been quietly supportive of her work for so many years. We will always think of Brenda and Jim with gratitude, love and affection. . We at Manchester Parents Group are working very hard trying to follow in Brenda’s footsteps. She was an inspirational leader, but to tell the truth, she's a very hard act to follow!
SPLAG – Support for parents of lesbians & gay men in WalesGloria: It was 1994 and I was planning an indulgent and lazy retirement. Plenty of time to spend with my new grandson, visit friends, relaxed travelling etc. My three children were in stable partnerships and good jobs. The journey of becoming comfortable, and even rejoicing, in the fact that my son and one of my daughters are gay had been completed years before. My gay son had been with his partner for fourteen years and my lesbian daughter, Sian, with her Canadian partner, Tammy, for three years. However, a major problem was emerging. Tammy could not renew her visa. Straight people in the same situation could marry and have the right to British citizenship. Gay people could not. My family had long ceased to be involved in gay politics. We had taken part in the early Pride demonstrations and marched against the introduction of Section 28 but had settled into comfort and denial, rather than confront homophobia and injustice. I watched the misery of Sian and Tammy and they seemed frozen in inaction. Two normally feisty and articulate women could not challenge the status quo. The family would have to do it for them. We contacted Stonewall and found that they were mounting a campaign for equal immigration rights for gay people. They were optimistic that they would succeed. They did! Tammy and Sian become one of the first gay couples to be given equal rights. We were fortunate in having the support of friends, and of Rhodri Morgan, who later became First Minister of Wales, and the Equality Unit of Cardiff County Council. During our campaign for immigration rights it was obvious there was virtually no infra structure of support for gay people in Wales let alone their parents. Any organisations centred upon gay venues such as clubs and organisations concerned with HIV. On the advice of Angela Mason at Stonewall I contacted FFLAG and within days two wonderful women arrived on my doorstep from Bristol FFLAG. They advised me on how to begin a parents’ group and telephone help-line. Good bye lazy retirement! I knew lots of gay people but no parent who wanted to be ‘out’. Thankfully FFLAG provided the initial publicity. Phone calls began to come from parents and from gay people themselves. Many of the requests for help and information came from organisations. I became a member of a Police Liaison Group and the Local Authority Hate Crime Committee. Then Stonewall recruited me to help with the campaign for the repeal of Section 28. This led to me becoming the first co-Chair of LGB Cymru Forum (now Stonewall Cymru). This was an exciting time and it was a huge privilege to be part of it. So much was achieved. Yet my main ambition to set up a support system for parents in Wales seemed very difficult indeed. Some parents attended a support group at my house but this was for their own comfort rather than to provide help for others. We did have a stall at the first Cardiff Mardi Gras, but I felt isolated and frustrated that after nearly two years I had to still rely for support on FFLAG nationally and the gay community in Wales. Then Janet arrived at a support meeting. She brought huge commitment and determination to reach out to families with a gay member. She also brought financial expertise. More than anything she brought friendship and the sharing of our determination not to sit back any more while prejudice and ignorance made the lives of many gay people a misery.
Janet: When my son, Glyn came out to us at 19 years old, it came as a complete shock – we had no idea. Like so many other parents, I felt fearful for his future health and happiness, and guilty that I had not somehow realised before and been able to help and support him through his teenage years. It took me months to get over it and to realise that, for my son, this was a positive thing that would eventually lead (as we now know) to a lasting relationship and a much happier and more confident young man. In the meantime, I was lucky enough to find a parents’ helpline over the border in England and, as I sobbed down the phone to the other mum, I was thinking ‘if I ever get over this I’ll get something like this going in Wales’. Several months and quite a lot of tears later, I contacted FFLAG and was amazed to learn that a certain Gloria already had a parents’ helpline going in Wales. We met and immediately found we had so much in common – and that we both had what the other needed! What I lacked was knowledge of all things gay (I didn’t even know any gay men or women – apart from my son - at that stage), how best to provide comfort and support to other parents in similar circumstances, and contacts with other LGBT organisations in Wales – Gloria had all that and more in abundance. What a font of knowledge she was! What Gloria lacked was someone to help her get a group going – and some money! Funding to get some proper publicity going, pay for a stall at the next Cardiff Mardi Gras, produce a newsletter, pay for a room for our support groups, and even to be able to produce a bi-lingual information booklet. And as chance would have it, I worked as the finance officer for a major charity! So before long we had a constitution and a committee, off went the grant bids and very soon the money flowed in. Gloria used her years of experience as the parent of two gay children, and friend of many gay men and women, to teach me about the world from their point of view. She also taught me about the many feelings and emotions that parents experience on hearing they have a gay child. Together, we went to FFLAG training weekends, sent out masses of publicity leaflets, got ourselves in Yellow Pages, produced our booklet, started regular support groups, wrote our newsletters and formed close links with all the other LGBT organisations in Wales. We have also kept up our campaigning work with letters to the local paper, talks to students, youth groups and youth leaders, magazine articles and even a television appearance on Kilroy! As the years have gone by, Gloria has taken a well earned rest from her work with the group, although she remains interested and supportive. Other mums and dads have come along who have undertaken the training program we devised to equip them to take over the two telephone helplines, leaving me more time for other aspects of the work. Things changed for us when the national organisation of FFLAG sadly lost much of their funding and were no longer able to take on the various parents’ groups around the country as affiliates, meaning that we had to change our name from FFLAG Wales to SPLAG Wales (similar but different!) and to work as a totally independent group. However, we remain in touch with our friends in FFLAG and support each other where possible. There have been many changes for lesbians and gay men over the decade since my son came out, nearly all of them positive. Act after act has been passed by parliament so that now, in law at least, they have true equality. It has been amazing to see the armed forces and the police specifically recruiting gay men and women to their ranks, and to see so many large companies and organisations putting money into equality training and into setting up their own gay support groups. We have many leading politicians who are openly gay, but who nevertheless attract a majority vote on their own merit, and here in Wales the recent coming out of a high profile rugby player brought massive support from all quarters. Life can still be very hard for some gay men and women, particularly those who are young, vulnerable or who live in rural areas, and there is much work still to be done. And there will still be parents who need our help to get over the shock of finding they have a gay child. But I am proud that our group, and the other parent support groups around the country, have done our bit to help these changes along, and I am proud to think of the many many families out there whose lives have been changed for the better because of a phone call. One mother's voice: PFLAG Cofounder recalls group's beginningsBy Tom Owens for Tolerance.org A webproject of the Southern Poverty Law Center - www.tolerance.org Published here with permission of PFLAG. (There is more on the history of PFLAG on their website - search: 'History') Jeanne Manford needs few words to make the most complex questions simple. "I loved him," she said of her son, Morty Manford. "He was my son." She wasn't alone in her efforts, either. Manford noted that her husband was an active supporter of Morty and PFLAG. Remembering when her husband faced the realization that his only son was gay, Manford admitted he didn't enjoy the same quick calm of acceptance. "He talked about a huge knot in his stomach at first," she said. "[But] once Morty had friends over to the house and Jules talked to them, he became very comfortable." PARENTS OF GAYS: UNITE IN SUPPORT FOR OUR CHILDREN. Today, that sign is part of the Gay and Lesbian Collections of the New York Public Library archives. When the parade began, Manford didn't understand the initial cheering. She believed the ovation was intended for the marcher behind her, noted parenting advocate Dr. Benjamin Spock. However, once crowd members ran into the parade route to talk to Manford, she realized the cheers belonged to her. 'Honored and Treasured People' During the march, mother and son agreed that a parents support group was needed. In 1973, the first meeting was held at the Metropolitan Duane Methodist Church in New York City. Since then, PFLAG has gained international representation, with more than 200,000 members and supporters included in 500 chapters. Phyllis Steinberg, New York City PFLAG president, recalled Manford in 2003, as guest of honor at an awards dinner. "I still get chills from the ovation she got," Steinberg said. "The mass sense of gratitude for all she had done, the gratitude to be in the presence of this woman _ she didn't have to say a word." Steinberg's admiration for Manford goes beyond fellow activist. She commended Manford, one parent to another. "What can be a greater expression of a mother's love for her son than to stand up for that child in the face of such great adversity?" she asked. Ron Schlittler, PFLAG deputy executive director, explained how family members often begin their chapter involvement. "It's parental. It's an instinctual response to protect their own children," he said. "So many parents are not born activists. They don't come by this naturally." Schlittler related that most PFLAG chapters have started like Manford's 1973 efforts, when one parent wanted to aid a son or daughter. "Every chapter has its own Jeanne Manford," he said. "They are honored and treasured people." Tom Owens is a children's author who lives in Central Iowa, and a frequent contributor to Tolerance.org See Attachments below. |
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LGBT History and the Parent Movement |