Self-realisation and coming outSome young people are aware from an early age that they are different in some way with regard to their sexuality. Others don't start to think about it until they are in their teens or even later.
It can be a difficult time. Many young people are anxious and worried when they realise the truth, especially if they have been brought up to believe that homosexuality is wrong. Some feel very angry when they find that they are part of a minority. Their anger might be directed against the world in general, their parents or even themselves. Some experience extreme self-hatred.
Sometimes, during this period, a young person's relationships with other young people can suffer. This can be because they find they don't have so much in common with old friends, that they shun companionship or that they are unable to access the friendships they really want to make.
Some young people will draw attention to themselves by adopting particular styles of dress or behaviour. Others try to blend into the background and may be withdrawn or anxious.
For help on how to deal with problems that arise predominantly in school, see our section on Education.
Often, worried parents seek help for their children, although they may not realise the source of the problem until much later.
In spite of the upheavals they experience, many young people manage to steer their way through the process of self-realisation and coming out remarkably well. Those who do cope well are more likely to be those who are in home or school environments where different sexualities are accepted.
Ages when young people
come out
Gay Youth UK Survey
Get help for yourself first
All parents want to help their children if they are going through difficult time In order to be as helpful as possible, there is an important first step for parents and family members, and that is for them to explore their own reactions to the idea of homosexuality.
Some parents may have friends or even relatives who are lesbian or gay. For others, their knowledge of lesbian and gay people is restricted to what they see on television or read about in the papers.
First of all, you need to think very carefully about how you would react if your son told you that he thought he was gay or your daughter told you that she thought she was a lesbian. Some parents will find this particularly challenging - but if you want to give your son or daughter the back-up they need, it will be important to get help for yourself and to counteract some of the misinformation that you will have heard.
You do not have to wait until your son or daughter has come out in order to do some research or talk to someone about the possibility. Preparing yourself in case the time comes is time well-spent. Use websites, telephone information and support lines and support groups so that you can learn more.
If you have religious objections to homosexuality, then it will be important to access the people within your own religious group who hold more respectful and inclusive views. These people will be your allies. See our section on: Religion.
What to look out forSometimes young people drop hints to their parents, either verbally or through their behaviour. Others explore their parents' views about homosexuality as part of the process of exploring the situation before talking to their parents about it.
Be prepared for this. It is tempting to talk about it being a 'phase' or arguing against it. If you think about what it must have taken for your son or daughter to talk to you in this way, then you soon realise that it is very important to take a conversation like this very seriously.
Some parents wonder if they should ask their son or daughter directly about their sexuality. There is no easy answer to this. It will depend on the age of the young person, the circumstances and many other factors. Discuss it first, in confidence, with someone you trust. If you do decide that the best thing to do is to ask directly, then don't ask when you are feeling angry or worried. Ask only when things are going well and when you are informed and prepared for the answer.
How to support your gay son or lesbian daughterAt some stage, some parents do learn that their son or daughter is gay or lesbian, or that they are still thinking carefully about their sexuality.
If this becomes clear, then you will want to know how best to help your son or daughter.
First of all, don't assume that your son or daughter is happy about their sexuality. Some will have accepted the situation, but others will have absorbed the same misinformation that other people do, and they may be very upset to discover that they are different through no fault of their own. Some young people become angry, others withdrawn.
Access to other young people going though the same experiences can be very helpful. Contact your local Youth Service, who will be able to give you details of the nearest LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) Youth Group. Even if your son or daughter does not want to attend, these services can offer advice.
If you have any friends or relatives who are lesbian or gay, then enlist their help both for your son or daughter and for yourself. Find out about books, television programmes and publications that offer positive role models. There are also websites that offer guidance and help. See our sections on Websites and Resources.
For some parents, their son or daughter coming out to them comes as a huge shock.
Other parents may have been forewarned by their child's actions or choices and are simply waiting to be told. Some parents have reached the stage of asking their son or daughter rather than waiting.
Once a young person has come out, he or she will need reassurance from the family that the important things, like the love and regard that they have for one another, remain the same. |
|
|
How Parents can Help |