Get help for yourself first
All parents want to help their children if they are going through difficult times. In order to be as supportive as possible, there is an important first step for parents to make, which is to explore their own reactions to homosexuality, bisexuality or transgenderism.
Many parents are accepting of diversity and will not find this a challenge. However, there are many others whose knowledge of lesbian, gay, bisexual or trans issues is restricted. For them, it will be important to counteract some misinformation.
If you have religious or cultural objections to homosexuality or bisexuality, then it will be important to access the people within your religious group or culture who hold more respectful and inclusive views. These people will be your allies. See our sections on: Religion and
Black and Ethnic Minorities.
If you want to give your son or daughter the back-up they need, make sure you are ready. Get help for yourself if you need it, but, even if you don't, you will still have a lot to learn. Use websites, helplines and support groups so that you can learn more.
Resources for parents
Information and support lines
Hatta 07806 746 780
Jane 07951 104 745
or contact FFLAG (Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) - www.fflag.org.uk
Parent groups
For information about Families Together London's monthly meetings, click here.
'Called To Be One' - for Catholic parents - contact Sue Haley 01642 465020
PACE counselling service for LGBT people, offers a family support helpline -
Books for parents
'Gays the Word' is a very helpful bookshop which holds a wide range of books on issues of sexuality, including those for parents and young people: Gay's the Word, 66 Marchmont Street, London WC1N 1AB (Russell Square Tube) 020 7278 7654 - www.gaystheword.co.uk
The following are books which Families Together London members have found helpful:
'Invisible Families'. Terry Stewart (1996) Heartflags Publishing. Written by a parent, this covers many of the areas parents are concerned about. References to the law relate to NZ law. Now availalbe as an e-book at just over £2.00. If you buy the e-book then it is cheaper to buy the book afterwards. See alos Facebook
'Is it a Choice? Answers to the most frequently asked questions about gay and lesbian people' Marcus, E. (1993) HarperSanFrancisco. A very helpful and sensible book. The parts in which the law is discussed refer to US law, not British.
'My Child is Gay: How parents react when they hear the news'. B. McDougall (2006). Allen and Unwin. Interesting to read the wide range of reactions from parents.
'A Guide for Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays'. Produced by www.fflag.org.uk.
'Beyond Acceptance: Parents of lesbians and gays talk about their experiences'. Welch Griffin, C., Wirth, M. J. and Wirth, A. G. (1996) St Martins's Griffin.
'The No-Nonsense Guide to Sexual Diversity'. Baird, V. (2007) Oxford: New Internationalist.
Helping your son or daughter
Self-realisation and coming out
Some young people are aware from an early age that they are different in some way with regard to their sexuality. Others don't start to think about it until they are in their teens or even later.
It can be a difficult time. Many young people are anxious and worried when they realise the truth, especially if they have been brought up to believe that homosexuality or bisexuality is wrong. Some feel very angry when they find that they are part of a minority. Their anger might be directed against the world in general, their parents or even themselves. Some experience extreme self-hatred.
Sometimes, during this period, a young person's relationships with other young people can suffer. This can be because they find they don't have so much in common with old friends, that they shun companionship or fear exposure. Often, they are unable to access the friendships they really want to make.
Some young people will draw attention to themselves by adopting particular styles of dress or behaviour. Others try to blend into the background and may be withdrawn or anxious.
For help on how to deal with problems that arise predominantly in school, see our section on Education.
Often, worried parents seek help for their children, although they may not realise the source of the problem until much later.
In spite of the upheavals they experience, many young people manage to steer their way through the process of self-realisation and coming out remarkably well. Those who do cope are more likely to be those who are in home or school environments where different sexualities are accepted.
Ages when young people come out
| 12 or under | 7% |
| 13-15 | 27% |
| 16-19 | 34% |
| 20-23 | 12% |
| 24 or above | 5% |
| 24+ and not out | 15% |
Gay Youth UK survey
How to support your son or daughter
Sometimes young people drop hints to their parents about their sexuality, either verbally or through their behaviour. Others explore their parents' views about homosexuality or bisexuality as part of the process of exploring the situation before talking to their parents about it.
Be prepared for this. It is tempting to talk about it being a 'phase' or arguing against it. If you think about what it must have taken for your son or daughter to talk to you in this way, then you soon realise that it is very important to take a conversation like this very seriously.
Some parents wonder if they should ask their son or daughter directly about their sexuality. There is no easy answer to this. It will depend on the age of the young person, the circumstances and many other factors. Discuss it first, in confidence, with someone you trust. If you do decide that the best thing to do is to ask directly, then don't ask when you are feeling angry or worried. Ask only when things are going well and when you are informed and prepared for the answer.
Once you know that your son or daughter is gay, lesbian or bisexual, or that they are still thinking carefully about their sexuality, then you will want to know how best to help.
First of all, don't assume that your son or daughter is happy about their sexuality. Some will have accepted the situation, but others will have absorbed the same misinformation that other people do, and they may be very upset to discover that they are different through no fault of their own. Some young people become angry, others withdrawn.
Access to other young people going though the same experiences can be very helpful. Contact your local Youth Service, who will be able to give you details of the nearest LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) Youth Group. Even if your son or daughter does not want to attend, these services can offer advice.
If you have any friends or relatives who are lesbian,gay or bisexual, then enlist their help both for your son or daughter and for yourself. Find out about books, television programmes and publications that offer positive role models. There are also websites that offer guidance and help.
For some parents, their son or daughter coming out to them comes as a huge shock. Other parents may have been forewarned by their child's friendships or choices and are simply waiting to be told. Some parents have reached the stage of asking their son or daughter rather than waiting.
Once a young person has come out, he or she will need reassurance from the family that the important things, like the love and regard that they have for one another, remain the same.
Finding positive role models
If you have a young daughter or son who has told you, or who you think may tell you eventually, that he or she may be gay, lesbian or bisexual, it is worth thinking about what they read and what they see on television about lesbian, gay and bisexual people. It will be helpful to them if they can experience strong, positive and realistic images.
Your local library may have a lesbian/gay teen section, although many don't. If you can, ask - this is one of the things that you can do, as a parent, that a young person would find very difficult.
Television Programmes
TV programmes for older young people which provide positive gay role models include: 'Beautiful People', 'Torchwood', 'Hollyoaks' (which won an award from Stonewall for its representation of gay relationships). 'East Enders' currently carries a story line involving a young gay Muslim.
'Shameless', whilst a bleak but funny portrayal of life on a Manchester estate, includes several good (and some bad!) role models.
Have you heard of these people?
You may not have given the idea of positive role models for LGBT young people much thought - but here are some examples. They include people from a range of cultures and religons as well as some with disabilities.
Lord Waheed Alli (1964 - ) A Muslim, the first openly gay peer in the House of Lords
Margarethe Cammermeyer (1942 - ) Colonel in the Washington National Guard, honorably discharged after revealing that she is a lesbian. Has since challenged the army’s policy.
Angela Davis (1944 - ) Black civil rights activist
Justin Fashanu (1961 - 1998) English footballer, the first black player to command a £1,000,000 transfer fee. Came out as gay in 1990, the only British footballer to do so.
Stephen Fry (1957 - ) Author, presenter. Open about his mental health issues.
Angela Mason (1944 - ) Director of Stonewall from 1992-2002. Chair of the Fawcett Society.
Ian McKellen (1939 - ) Actor. Came out in 1988. Founding member of Stonewall.
Freddie Mercury (1946 - 1991) British singer/musician of Asian origin.
Harvey Milk (1930 - 1978) First openly gay man to be elected to public office in the USA.
Martina Navratilova (1956 - ) Tennis player, nine times winner at Wimbledon
Simon Nkoli (1957 - 1998) Anti-apartheid and gay rights activist in South Africa
Lee Pearson MBE, OBE (1974 - ) Nine times gold medal winner in the Paralympics
Gene Robinson (1947 - ) First openly gay bishop within the Anglican Communion. His election threatened a schism within the church.
Dusty Springfield (1939-1999) Singer.
Peter Tatchell (1952 - ) Civil rights activist, campaigns for sexual freedom and human rights.
Gareth Thomas (1974 - ) Welsh rugby league player, former rugby union player. First Welshman to win 100 international caps in rugby union.
Sandi Toksvig (1958 - ) Danish-born radio and TV presenter. Speaks openly of her family life.
Alan Turing (1912 - 1954) Mathematician and logician.Code-breaker in WW2, also seen as the inventor of the computer.
Alice Walker (1944 - ) Black activist and writer.
Gok Wan (1974 - ) Fashion guru and all-round nice guy
Good films to see
Fire An exploration of the role of women, arranged marriage and sexuality in India.
Gay Days the Evolution of the GLBT rights movement in Israel
Milk The story of California's first openly gay elected official, Harvey Milk. 'The Story of Harvey Milk' is a documentary of the same story.
Maurice Based on the book by E. M. Forster, shows attitudes towards homsexuality in the past.
Suddenly Last Winter (2008) Documentary about attempts to introduce a draft law acknowledging the rights of gay couples in Italy.
Victim (1961) A prominent lawyer goes after a blackmailer who threatens gay men with exposure. This film took a courageous stand against criminalisation. At the time, 90% of blackmail attempts were directed against gay men.
Books for young children with an LGBT family member
If you have a lesbian or gay family member, then it will be important to think about how to help young children in your family develop an understanding and acceptance of same-sex relationships.
Start early, before they encounter negative stereotypes!
'And Tango Makes Three' by Justin Richardson. Two male penguins adopt an egg.
'King and King' by Linda de Hann and Stern Nijland. A king doesn't fancy any princesses.
'Spacegirl Pukes' by Katy Watson and Vanda Carter. Spacegirl has two mums.
You can get these books from: 'Gays the Word' bookshop - 66 Marchmont Street, London WC1N 1AB (Russell Square Tube) 020 7278 7654 -www.gaystheword.co.uk.
Glossary
Lauren: Are you gay, Sir?
Teacher: No, Lauren.
Lauren: Are you homophobic then, Sir?
Teacher: You don't even know what 'homophobic' means!Lauren: I don't need to, Sir. I'm not gay.
Catherine Tate Show, BBC2
Coming out is the term which describes the act of communicating with another person about one's sexuality.
Genderqueer is a term used by some young people who do not feel that they can easily slot into either gender category.
Heterosexism refers to the way in which society is built on the assumption that everyone should be heterosexual.
Heteronormative refers to cultures where heterosexuality is encouraged and other identities are ignored or responded to negatively. A heteronormative society disregards the reality of sexual diversity. The educational and social needs of lesbian, gay and bisexual people, and others, and the needs of their families, are ignored.
Homophobia This refers, not only to the nastiness and hatred that is sometimes directed towards lesbian and gay people, but also the act of standing by and doing nothing in the face of obvious discrimination. (Also biphobia and transphobia).
Intersex An intersex person is born with anatomy that does not conform with contemporary views of what constitutes a male' or a 'female' body. This mean that the gender of that person should not be assigned permanently.
LGB (lesbian, gay and bisexual) and LGBT (lesbian, gay bisexual and transgender) are commonly-used abbreviations. 'GLBT' is the US version.
Queer is a word which was once intended to be offensive, but it has been re-adopted by the gay community. 'Queer politics' emerged in the late 1980s and 1990s and is commonly used in academic fields. It was a reaction to separate groups and narrow identities, and might be regarded as a more inclusive title, being an umbrella term which can cover lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals, as well as some heterosexual people.
Questioning young people are uncertain of their sexuality and still thinking about it.
Self-realisation is the process all lesbians and gays experience, as they come to understand that their sexuality is different from most. This may happen a long time (usually years) before a person starts to communicate with others about their sexuality.
Transgender is an umbrella term which covers a range of situations where there is a mismatch between assigned gender and gender expression. Transgender people may identify as heterosexual or LGB.
Transsexual people have the physical characteristics of one sex, but feel that they belong to the other.
Transvestites have no desire to change their gender but feel more comfortable in certain circumstances when they cross-dress.
