Archbishop Desmond Tutu

Is your son or daughter having problems at school?

Homophobic bullying in school

Noticing a problem

Even if your son or daughter tells you nothing, it is important not to ignore important signs of trouble, such as changes in social life, not going out at all, avoiding certain places or trying to avoid going to school or other places where young people go, like youth clubs.

Look out for signs of stress, anxiety or depression such as persistent headaches, self-harming or difficulties with eating.

Taking action to find out more

Ask a range of indirect questions. Rather than asking: 'Are you being bullied?' you could try more casual questions, like: 'Who do you talk to these days?' 'Are things OK with your friends?' 'I've noticed you're not going out so much – is there a reason?' and so on. Some questions are hard to ask because you dread the answer, but keep trying – it may not be as bad as you think.

Ask the parents of your child's friends to check out if their sons or daughters know anything about what is going on.

Check for things like graffiti on schoolbooks and follow up on things getting 'lost' in case they are being stolen or 'borrowed'.

Finally, don't jump to the conclusion that the problem is caused by direct bullying unless your son or daughter tells you of specific incidents. The problem may be one of social isolation, or it may be that your son or daughter is deeply worried about something.

Deciding what you can do for your son or daughter

It is tempting to get angry if you think your son or daughter is being bullied, and the desire to 'do something' can be very strong. However, it is only too easy to make a situation worse and some calm reflection might help. If you become fixated on the idea that 'someone' should be punished, this won't necessarily help your son or daughter.

If your son or daughter's world has become less friendly, then it is important to make home a safe haven, not a place where you are angry, frightened and unpredictable.

Concentrate on reassuring your son or daughter that you love them. Enjoy family times. Focus on positive things – arrange family events or encourage your son or daughter to take up activities outside school.

Deciding when you might need to refer on to others

Persistent headaches, signs of depression, any signs of self-harming or difficulties with eating should be referred to your GP.

If necessary, your GP may refer your son or daughter on to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service. You can also access this service through your child's school.

Deciding what to take up with the school

Once you have decided that you need to contact your child's school, then it is important to make a plan.

First of all, decide who you want to talk to. This is most likely to be Head of Year or a Senior Teacher if it is a secondary school.

List all the things you think the school should know, the things you have found out, the things your son or daughter has told you, and the things you'd like to find out from the school. You could put these in a letter and write in asking for an appointment. The advantage of doing this is that it gives the school time to find out more before you meet. Alternatively, you can arrange an appointment and take the list with you. You may also want to take another person with you to support you.

At the end of your meeting, it will be important to have decided:

We know that being the victim of homophobic bullying does not necessarily mean that a young person is lesbian or gay. Conversely, there are many young lesbians and gay young men who never experience homophobic bullying at school.

But we know as well that some of the young people who experience homophobic bullying are also going through the process of realising that they are different from others and may be trying to hide their worries and fears. See our section on: Our sons and daughters; how we can help them.

Is your son or daughter's school providing enough help?

Schools have a responsibility to ensure that all young people are protected from homophobic bullying, but if you have a lesbian daughter or a gay son, then you will be expecting more of the school than simply keeping your child safe. Schools need to be helping you in supporting your son or daughter's developing identity and providing them with appropriate information.

If you know that your school-age son or daughter is lesbian or gay, then there are many issues to think about.

You may know of your child's sexuality, but the school does not. If you are concerned about your child's safety and well-being, you may want to think about whether to tell the school. There may be good reasons to tell a trusted Head of Year in confidence. Many parents still worry that the secret will 'get out' or that school staff will not treat this information with respect. In this case, you might consider speaking in confidence to your son or daughter's headteacher. It is the headteacher who has the responsibility for ensuring that your child is safe in school and who has the status to make the necessary changes in school policy. You can always take someone with you if you don't feel very confident.

Some parents learn about their child's sexuality because he or she has come out at school or because there have been incidents of bullying. In this instance, your child's safety is paramount, and it will be important to discuss with the school what they are doing to keep your child safe. If you think your son or daughter may be more vulnerable to bullying because they are isolated, then make it clear that you expect the school to help your child with relationships.

So how can you check if a school is doing the right things to help your son or daughter? Sources of information could include:

Discussion with a member of staff in the school

These are some of the things you might ask about:

What can a parent do if the school isn't doing enough?

If you are not happy with the response you get when you speak to your child's school, there are a number of places you can try.

First of all there is the local authority. Find out if there is a 'Healthy Schools' co-ordinator in your area. There may also be an adviser who takes the lead on supporting schools with their policies on homophobic bullying. Talk to them about your concerns.

Another route for help is your local LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) Youth Group, which not only offers support for young lesbians and gays, but may also offer services direct to schools.

You can also contact the DCSF helpline (or, in the case of Sixth Forms or Colleges of Further Education, the Learning Skills Council) and ask for advice.

1. Put the wellbeing, development and progress of children

and young people first

4. Demonstrate respect for diversity and promote equality:

•     Act appropriately towards all children and young people, parents, carers and colleagues, whatever their socio-economic background, age, gender, sexual orientation, disability, race, religion or belief

•     Take responsibility for understanding and complying with school policies relating to equality of opportunity, inclusion, access and bullying

•     Address unlawful discrimination, bullying, and stereotyping no matter who is the victim or the perpetrator

•     Help create a fair and inclusive school environment by taking steps to improve the wellbeing, development and progress of those with special needs, or whose circumstances place them at risk of exclusion or under-achievement

•     Help children and young people to understand different views, perspectives, and experiences and develop positive relationships both within school and in the local community.

Resources for teachers

Books

No Outsiders Project Team (2010) Undoing homophobia. Trentham Books - includes lesson plans for primary age.

DVDs

Treading on Eggshells (2010) - produced by young people themselves; includes trans issues - secondary age - Camden LGBT Forum - www.camdenlgbtforum.gov.uk